Weekend Pundit

Cat Tutorial....By Engineers

Yes, I am definitely like the guys in this video. You know, an engineer. And as many of you also know, I have cats. Not one or two cats, but four cats.

Now sit back and enjoy the tutorial.

New Wonder Drug

Received via e-mail:

Yacht Delivery In Australia

Received via e-mail:

65' custom-built motor yacht complete with 4 staterooms, a state-of-the-art galley, GPS System and radar for navigation, twin supercharged diesel engines, etc:

$4,500,000.00

Champagne, chocolate covered strawberries with cream and music dockside for the excited 'soon to be owners' and a small group of friends:

$500.00

Two corporate representatives, crane, and rigging complete with faulty turnbuckle:
$2,500/hour

(Note the guy in the stern!)

Watching your dreamboat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by two corporate
representatives just prior to 'inking' the final paperwork...

Priceless!!

Why Mommy Should Be the Boss

I was told by my wife that my son Charles, a six-year-old, asked her if she was the boss or me. She replied that we both act as the bosses together. He said that that was wrong and she should be the boss since she laid--as in an egg--the children.

I guess before the birds and the bees, children think that chickens is how we come out.

This Short Film Clarifies Sexual Harassment for Me

Buried In Christmas Catalogues?

I have to say that this video hit the nail on the head.

Merry Tossmas!

James Lileks Is Funny

Friday's Bleat: At 4:45 I laid down and slept for 17 minutes. Got up, made dinner – various forms of “fish” - then did the Hewitt show with Dean Barnett while Jasper sat outside. I have no idea why he wouldn’t come in. It can’t be pleasant. He was sitting in the snow. He has no pants. Eventually he came in, barked once to indicate general displeasure, then settled in to work on a rawhide stick while I played UNO with (G)Nat. My wife was late from work, and since she’d called to say she had to stop off for gas, I was convinced she’d run out of petrol on the highway, and her car was being circled by mocking young men in white jumpsuits and black bowlers, denting the car with their canes and boots.

How You Know You've Pissed Off An Engineer

I received this at work today.

You don't need to understand the math to enjoy the sentiment.

I Really Would Like My Own Raygun

Dr. Grordbort's Rayguns are simply marvelous. I know some boys and, ahem, older hominoids who would love it. I think it's safe to say it's a blast for all Weekend Pundit blasters.

The accompanying short film was enjoyable to say the least.

HT: The Wall Street Journal this Morning Podcast of 10/03 (subscribed via iTunes).

North Korean Insult Generator

You anti-socialist bloodsucker!

HT: The Corner

Murphy Was An Optimist

From an e-mail:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Capturing the Idgit Vote

Yeah, not everyone listens, reads, and discusses the issues. Some people vote based on candidates' names, looks, or sexy spouses. The Onion brilliantly spoofs a FoxNews discussion on capturing the Idgit Vote (scroll down a bit).

Das ist gut.

advertisement of language center

Posted Yesterday

This video illustrates why it is important to learn a foreign language. German skills are required to understand the video.

The Onion on the Rat Race

This is one of the best pieces I've read in the brilliant Onion parody website on happiness in a high-strung law firm. Not an easy find.

HT: Will Wilkinson

A ribald way of ending suicide bombing

Polygamy ain't grand, so the lonely bachelor herd could maybe use these dolls to curtail their sexual frustrations, which lead to dreams of Valhalla and seventy-two Ruth Bader Ginsburg bunnies.

Oh, I recently learned the nomenclature for when women have babies with men other than their husbands. The scientists euphemistically call it a "non paternity event." Jeez.

And is Hillary too religious? She almost comes across as excessively so in Carl Bernstein biography.

I've long enjoyed listening to the Hugh Hewitt Show. And I've enjoyed hearing from Yoni the Israeli who periodically calls in. Well, here's his site if you've never been there. Recently he said that Israel has repeatedly offered its expertise on identifying terrorists on airplanes, but each time the U.S. and A. has turned the offer down. That's something with which I will not put.

Is anyone as excited as I at the upcoming Ken Burns PBS special on WWII beginning Sept. 23? He did a great job, I mean a GREAT job back in '91 with the Civil War. The best thing I've seen on the boob tube. I read a while back that Hispanics kvetched about the lack of, well, Hispanics portrayed in the series. So I will be wondering how prominent Burns's political correctness will be.

As a individualist, I have no tuck with identity politics. Pretty soon I may even be able to call myself a Heinlein individualist as I'm finally reading one of his books, Stranger in a Strange Land.

I'll Sue Ya

I've liked Weird Al Yankovic since his days on the old Dr. Demento radio show. With this song he hit a nerve, one that I think has gotten more than one person pissed off at our litigious society.

Now watch this.....or I'll sue ya!

I Kill You!

I saw this over at Wizbang a few days ago. I couldn't stop watching it, nor could friends of mine at work. It certainly is timely!

He must be lactose intolerant

May The Farce Be With You

Being a science and technology geek, the chances are pretty good that I am also a Star Trek/Babylon5/Battlestar Galactica/Star Wars fan.

I plead guilty on all charges.

Liking all of those shows/movies, I also like the better parodies of those same shows/movies. The one linked below is one I found through the local newspaper, of all things.

You may have wondered if Darth Vader had any siblings. It turns out he did.

His name is Chad. Chad Vader. And this is his story...well, at least Episode 1 of his story:

The rest of the episodes can be found here.

Pachelbel Rant

I posted this rendition of Pachelbel's Canon in D as performed by an amazing Korean guitarist.

Now we have a counterpoint to that performance, showing that Pachelbel's masterpiece is everywhere, whether we realize it or not.

New Hampshire Farenheit Scale

Though I've seen this before (and posted it at some point), this revised version still makes me chuckle.

**********

60 above zero:
Arizonans turn on the heat.
People in New Hampshire plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in New Hampshire sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Some foreign-made cars won't start.
People in New Hampshire drive with their windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in New Hampshire merely gets thicker.

20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in New Hampshire throw on a flannel shirt.

10 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn on the heat.
People in New Hampshire have their last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami start dying.
People in New Hampshire close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly south to Mexico.
People in New Hampshire start looking for their winter coats.

20 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
Girl Scouts in New Hampshire sell cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington, D.C., runs out of hot air.
People in New Hampshire let their dogs sleep indoors.

120 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in New Hampshire get upset because they can't start their minivans.

459 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (Absolute Zero).
People in New Hampshire note, "It's getting wicked cold outside."

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
New Hampshire public schools will open 2 hours late.

It's fighting stories

I love hearing about beer, fights, and the military--esp. when it's all served together. And it's all available in spades at Blackfive.

Why Women Are Crabby

The following is a circulating e-mail my wife made me read. After it, I responded that women are still able to live on average eight years longer than we men. She said that's because men like to play with things like chain saws. Oh, well. Loathe as I am to copy and paste a thing like a circulating e-mail, this one's pretty good. Here goes:

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood [See below entry--ed.] where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee' d our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. And... Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right! Give me a break! Bite me!

Why Men Are Happier Than Women

Received via e-mail:

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

**********

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

**********

No wonder men are happier.

Posted by Chan Eddy at 09:06 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Quotes To Live By

Sometimes e-mail provides serendipity. This occasion is no different.

In this case I received the latest DNRC (Dogbert's New Ruling Class) newsletter. One of the gems of the somewhat irregular newsletter is called “Induhvidual Quotes”, something that is always enlightening.

Here are some more true quotes from people who put the DUH in In-duh-vidual, as reported by DNRC field operatives.

************

"Well that really throws a wrench in the ointment."

"I think there's something wrong with my alarm clock; it keeps making this really loud noise in the morning!"

When talking to a colleague about my newborn twins, she asked what genders they were. “A boy and a girl,” I answered. My colleague’s next question: “Are they identical?”

"That's water over the bridge."

"You're dead meat in the water."

"That stands out like a diamond in a goat's butt!"

"You shouldn't violate the law because that's illegal."

"They have us by the balls of our feet."

"Never pet a burning dog."

"It's hotter than a French hen."

"They should lock him up and throw away the book."

"They cooked themselves. Now they have to lay in it."

“Make sure you cross your p's and q's.”

"Don't look a blind horse in the eye."

"I put my wrong foot in the wrong mouth at the wrong time!"

"Cows died to give us that cheese."

"Don't slap the hand that milks you."

"Call me back at your least convenience."

"It's six of one and one of the other."

"I can't do it in the spur of a hat."

"That's going to change the whole ball of works."

"They're not the brightest box of cookies."

"The pro's for are more than the pro's against"

“I wouldn't touch him as far as I could throw him.”

And so it goes.....

Gays Can't Do Arabic Translations in the Military

Andrew gives us this youtube. I laughed until I my spleen burst. Unreal funny. I need medical attention.

BTW, can someone teach me how to incorporate the actual YouTube image onto the blog? I need a tutorial. No disco balls necessary.

DCE: Ask and ye shall receive! Behold!

Stress Test

You're funny, Neal.

Sink Clog

We were wondering why the sink was running so slow.

Now we know.

Talk about a sink clog!

Click on image for larger picture

Oh, Lord, that was fun.

The Letter from Iran

I know this is serious business--a country led by mad mullahs on the verge of acquiring nukes--but this is good for a laugh or two.

On a more serious note, we should bomb Iran now before they EMP us back to the hunter-gatherer stage. Then Mormons, who are instructed by their faith to stock up food for up to a year's time, will flourish while the rest of us end up eating raw microwave popcorn within two weeks' time. How many of us know how to grow our own vegetables and make our own clothes? At least here in NH we have plenteous fresh water to drink.

I hope I'm merely an alarmist. But Spengler agrees with me.

"Keep the Booger Hook Off the Bang Switch"

I watched the video below a third time. The stupidity involved continues to boggle the mind as more of it sinks in.

1. The dude has an unsecured sidearm on a table near students fully loaded in a school. Right there is grand theft stupidity;
2. After removing the chambered round, he confidently announces that the gun isn't loaded without removing the clip. This is Rule No. 1 of weapons training:

Page 1 paragraph 1 of the "handling an automatic pistol safety manual for morons" is "drop the magazine BEFORE you clear the chamber" and "always assume the weapon is loaded even if you have cleared the chamber". Even if he didn't clear the weapon properly, which is a simple yet surprisingly common mistake, you still don't pull the trigger in a room full of grade school students. Again, your finger is the best safety. Weapons never just "go off". What an idiot.; (taken from a Hit & Run commentator

3. After waving it around at the students, he pulls the trigger. Click. Now a round is chambered. Is that how it works? I'm not sure, but then again I haven't been a DEA agent for 16 years like the clown in the video. Give him credit, though, he's a trooper, tying in his, ahm, gaffe into the presentation and not unleashing a torrent of profanity in the wake of the bullet;
4. Then for no reason he pulls the trigger again, firing the round left in the chamber, luckily pointing it downward when moments before he was pointing it outward. Ah oh, a trigger happy cosmic retard cop. With him there would have been no Rodney King video, just Rodney King (and several bystanders) dead;
5 Now he's suing his employer for his incompetence. A narcissistic cosmic retard trigger happy cop.

Aren't there supposed to be annual reviews and such for people in such positions of authority? Perhaps that's where my unfortunate reference to his race fits in. With affirmative racism (action) we can't hold preferred groups to the same standards. It causes, shall we say, a slippage. I purport the result is what we see in the video.

Okay, I'm ready to rant.

6. What would have happened to one of us if we brought a loaded handgun to a grade school class and accidentally discharged it, causing an injury?

Cheney's Got A Gun. Cindy Sheehan Had Better Run...

Deb pointed me to this and the instant I heard it I knew I had to blog it. Appropriately titled “Cheney's Got A Gun”. (With apologies to Aerosmith)

(From the Bob Rivers Show)

Psychiatric Relief

Deb's sister Gayle sent her this the other day.

Just make sure to take your meds before you listen to it.

White Boys Can Rap - Even If They Ain't Cool

I heard about this video on the radio this morning. Let's face it, folks, even goofy white boys can rap, particularly if they're from SNL and are rapping about “The Chronicles of Narnia.”.

Just too cool....

Hold The Suicidal Jihadis At Bay!

Looking for a way to thwart jihadist suicide bombers?

Worried that someone seeking Paradise and 72 virgins will use you and your loved ones as the means to gain both?

Now we have the answer: Threaten them with ETERNAL DAMNATION!!

By using the new Infidel's Revenge Pen, you can now walk the streets safely knowing that the jihadis will tremble in fear!

And if you order now we'll throw in this set of Ginsu knives at no extra cost!

Reefer madness

Nicotine is definitely a nasty addiction.

The beauty of children

My fear: meeting Chan at the Gilford Shaws--and I was there this morning picking up two cases of Longtrail Harvest Ale--and having one of my urchins do this.

HT

An award for bad prose

At least he knew how to spell carburetors. Is that how to do it?

Real Women Have Curves

Skinny women are the only beautiful ones? No, on the contrary.

Real men like curves.

The lovely Julia Gorin, writing seven years ago about curvaceous Kate Winslet's overlooked performance in the movie Titanic (horrible Marxist script; stunning special effects), wrote the following:

"Why Kate Winslet?" Larry King asks a stunned James Cameron, the film's director. "She's not drop-dead gorgeous." Perhaps after eight wives, King too, prefers something that looks more like a boy. It's understandable.

Hitler?

I rarely laugh, but this brilliant Jon Stewart farce has my sides aching.

HT

For the discerning book buyer

Everyone has been there at one point or another: you're looking for a book and you're just not sure. Fear not! London's Henry Raddick has been hard at work reviewing the vast quantity of materials available through Amazon.com.

Warning: be prepared to spend some time here.

Via Will Collier

For Men Only

I received this from the Weekend Pundit consigliere/bill collector/enforcer, “Three Fingers” Calvitto. I have no idea why he sent it to me. Could he be trying to tell me something?

*********************

You Might Be A Liberal

They say if you're going to steal, steal big. And if you steal, steal from the best.

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

I saw this posted at Dog Snot Diaries, who stole it from Mad Mikey, who stole it from The Ville, who stole it from Ed Lynch.

**********

As a public service, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, here are the early warning signs that reveal if you, or someone you care about, just might be a liberal.

You Might Be A Liberal If.....

* You think that protestors outside nuclear power plants are dedicated activists, but protestors outside abortion clinics are dangerous zealots interfering with a legal activity.

* You believe that more federal regulations will make your life better.

* You believe that even though the top 20 percent of taxpayers pay 80 percent of income taxes, that the rich are not paying their “fair share.”

* You think that Rush Limbaugh’s listeners are mindless “dittoheads,” but you have never doubted anything that you heard from Michael Moore.

* You believe that the network news is a better indicator of what “real” news is than talk radio, Internet news sites, and blogs.

* You believe that there was never, ever a problem with biased news coverage until Fox News went on the air.

* You believe that Mikhail Gorbachev deserves more credit for losing the Cold War than Ronald Reagan deserves for winning it.

* You mentally subtract 100 points from someone’s IQ if the person speaks with a Southern accent.

* You think that Dan Rather got a raw deal.

* You think that the phrase “separation of church and state” is in the Constitution.

* You pride yourself on your global awareness, global sensitivity and global outlook, but can’t name your state legislator or school board representative.

* You are dedicated to helping the poor, the downtrodden and the less fortunate, but you have never given blood.

* You believe that a woman should make it on her own, without depending on her husband (except for Hillary Clinton).

* You believe that professional, working women should never be judged on their appearance (except for Katherine Harris).

* You believe that rich people should not be allowed to contribute so much money to candidates for office (except for George Soros).

* You believe that government should make a special effort to hire members of traditionally oppressed groups, such as African-Americans (except for Clarence Thomas, Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice).

* You feel a deep sense of common cause with oppressed groups, such as Hispanic immigrants (except for Cuban Americans fleeing Castro).

* You believe that a mother’s wishes for her child, especially a mother’s last, dying wish for her child, should outweigh the wishes of a father who had long before deserted his family (unless the child is named Elian Gonzalez).

* You have no problem with Hollywood movie starts flying around in private jets to give speeches on the evils of SUVs.

* You think that raising taxes will reduce the budget deficit.

* You are more concerned, more often, with the rights of convicted felons than you are with the rights of small business owners.

* You uphold a woman’s right to choose, unless a woman chooses adoption, chooses to be a stay-at-home mom, chooses to homeschool, or chooses to start a business.

* You are more concerned with Vice President Cheney’s links to Halliburton than with Saddam Hussein’s links to international terrorism.

* You have used the phrase, “in Europe, the government pays for health care and vacation,” without irony.

* You are worried about how the French view Americans.

* You believe that nativity scenes should be banned from public view, but that anyone objecting to pornography "only has to look the other way".

* And finally, you are almost certainly a liberal if you refuse to admit that you’re a liberal, and accuse anyone of calling you a liberal of McCarthyism.

Best DUI Arrest In History

Commentary Editor Tom sent this to me, something I had to watch more than once because it was so darn funny

A Little Humor

I received this via e-mail from one of my co-workers. It's just a little humor to help lighten your day.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.-- David Letterman

If god doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.-- Jay Leno

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.-- Jack Mayberry

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. “You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, “I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.”-- Jake Johansen

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a t-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.-- Jerry Seinfeld

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."-- Mark Twain

Now I Understand

If this is what John Kerry meant by "A more sensitive war" then I guess I may have misjudged him. At least a little.

VIA Random Nuclear Strikes

You Might Be A Blogger If....

I came across this at JimSpot. I fit every one of the descriptions. I am so lame.

SarahK and Acidman have a few of their own to add.

Physics And Ping Pong Balls

It was one of those picture perfect days out on the lake – warm, sunny, a slight breeze, and for the most part not too much in the way of wake-driven chop. I was out with The Girlfriend, her almost-ten-year-old son, and her parents. We were 'making the rounds', showing the parents a small part of the lake where I spend quite a bit of time. At one point we anchored just off of Stonedam Island and ate lunch – a sumptuous repast prepared by one of the local Subway shops – and just shot the breeze.

After weighing anchor and continuing the tour, we headed south across the lake to the north side of Governors Island to look at the various swanky (read incredibly expensive) cottages - if you can call an 11,000 square foot mansion a 'cottage'. It was just as we were coming around the east side of Stonedam Island that The Girlfriend's son decided to crawl into the cuddy cabin. As we came even with the south end of the island the chop increased dramatically. Inevitably, physics took over and a small boy massing 88 pounds started bouncing around inside the cabin like a ping pong ball inside a blender. He bounced off the cushions, the hull, the aft bulkhead, and the overhead (the underside of the deck), with only the carpeting covering the hull, bulkhead, and overhead (and maybe his life vest) kept him from serious injury. He was bouncing around to the point where he was airborne more often than not, making it impossible for him to exit the cabin without risking being ejected forcefully into the cockpit. Of course The Girlfriend, her mother and father were laughing so hard at the poor boy's predicament, I began to fear for their health, wondering if they were going to burst a blood vessel or some other vital organ.

Finally I was able to rescue him by the expedient means of arriving at our destination. He was none the worse for wear, having used his head to cushion the blows to the rest of his body. The only side effect seemed to be the lolling of his head, uncoordinated eye movements, and a small amount of uncontrolled drooling.

By the time we returned to the dock behind The House he had sufficiently recovered to take part in an early birthday celebration in his honor.

Snappy Comebacks

This list of snappy comebacks was shamelessly stolen from Jeff Soyer, who received it in an e-mail. (Hey, good stuff deserves to be spread far and wide!) While not the kind of snappy comebacks ingrained in we New England Yankees, they're good enough for the rest of you folks out there.

-Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!

-You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

-Well this day was a total waste of make-up.

-Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

-Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

-Do I look like a people person?

-This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

-I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

-Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

-Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

-I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

-Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

-Do they ever shut up on your planet?

-I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

-Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!

-Back off!! You're standing in my area.

-Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

-I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

-Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

-Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

-Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.

-Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

-You look like shit. Is that the style now?

-Earth is full. Go home.

-Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

-I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

-A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

-You are depriving some village of an idiot.

-If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

END OF THE WORLD!!!*

"The sun did not come up this morning, large cracks have appeared in the ground, and flaming rocks are falling from the sky...."

"....Film at 11."

*Just in case, please check the date above.

When It's Acceptable To Use The 'F'-Word

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll............! ....

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

(From Cynical Cyn)

Flatlander News

Brendan Smith has admitted it – he's INSANE. That's no surprise to me, as I'm sure it's no surprise to you either, loyal reader(s). But at least Brendan has an explanation. It's up to you whether you buy it or not.

****

INSANE...Again

A few years ago I wrote [...] about being INSANE. And then, soon after, I was no longer INSANE (but maybe just slightly insane). But now I am INSANE again. Funny how that works.

INSANE has nothing to do with a state of mind or a chemical imbalance (though some may argue that). INSANE was a group I started here in the Lakes Region that I thought would spread and become a phenomenon all across New England. It is an acronym for Individuals Now Single Again in New England and it was meant to bypass all of the difficulties involved in being single and then not single and then single again. It was, for lack of a better term, a dating service.

Why I'm INSANE again is no matter. Just another bump on the dirt road of life. What's important is that I've once again taken the reins of what I once thought would become a pretty profitable enterprise in this age of the single scene as an industry.

If you're single and used one of the on-line dating services you may have seen me. I paid my $19.95 for the opportunity to post a couple of pictures and write some clever words to make myself seem a lot more perfect than any of us can ever be. You can browse a few profiles, contact a few people, chat (as they call it) a bit and maybe meet someone for a cup of coffee or a microbrew. Thought no one will ever admit to joining one of these services, you'd be surprised at how many do. (And you know who you are.)

For the most part it is an interesting diversion and something to do besides watching “Joe Millionaire.” But all in all I find it lacks a few key ingredients. That's why I am once again resurrecting INSANE.

When I first moved to New Hampshire in 1985 I was single and from Long Island, NY, a place not lacking in all sorts of people. I was concerned when I moved here that the social scene would be limited. But when a new found friend, during my first week here, told me he wanted to take me out to “The Broads” I must admit that I got a bit excited. After a long afternoon on an incredibly windy and wide part of Lake Winnipesaukee I had to start a reevaluation of the whole single scene.

In 1985, there was no Internet as we know it today (Al Gore was still working on it) so meeting people was mostly a local deal, and here in the Lakes Region, that limited your possibilities. If you went on a bad date the odds of you running into that person again and again was a pretty sure bet. That's when I thought of the first unique program of INSANE. We would get people together based first on them answering questions that had real relevance: eating habits, clothing choices (do you wear black socks with shorts), are you an exceptionally gassy person, etc....you get the idea. Hen they would choose a possible date and they'd meet for dinner. Each would be blindfolded for the first time and wearing a mask that would also disguise their voices. I would chaperone and clean up messy spills. After a date, if you didn't care for each other then you could go your separate ways, running into one another daily without ever knowing. It still had a lot of bugs to be worked out, but it was a start in the right direction.

The list for INSANE guidelines went on and on. One thing that was insisted on was that when writing a personal ad the words caring, sensitive, intelligent, financially and emotionally secure, good looking, sense of humor, spiritual, etc., could never be used together when describing the person you'd like to meet.. By now we had assumed everyone was looking for real people, not mythical creatures.

INSANE was put aside as I became insane in other ways. But now it is back. But I'm finding I have to deal with a few changes.

The latest fad in dating is this thing called “Speed dating.” It's an obvious formula introduced into a world where no one has time to do anything. Should finding someone to possibly spend the rest of your life with be any more important than say, making an on-line transaction at the bank? It seems not. In “speed dating” (as far as I understand it) a bunch of single people meet somewhere and spend a certain amount of money for the opportunity to bounce between three minute conversations with a roomful of other single people. Someone rings a bell or blows a whistle or something and then it's time to move on to the next person. After a couple of hours of this you make a list of the people you'd be interested in seeing again and you receive a list of those interested in you. You make your choices of who you'd like to spend at least another three minutes with and then those who match up are given the opportunity to contact each other (but only through a certified speed dating representative as noted in recently passed Senate Bill SB-324-SD).

I'm not sure yet how INSANE will handle this concept, or if we will even have speed dating, or a new form of it, but personally, living here in the Lakes Region I'd be a bit apprehensive about trying it. I'd image that I'd be entering a full room with the majority of participants people I've already spent three minutes with at some point and the rest might be those where three minutes was WAY too much time (and I'm sure they'd feel the same about me).

So as you can see, INSANE is just in the start-up phase again and there's lots of tweaking to be done. What works, what doesn't? I welcome ideas in helping to make it something that people won't need to use for a long period of time. After all the purpose of INSANE is to no longer be INSANE and therefore help one from going insane.

Doncha think? Or am I crazy?

****

Brendan Smith is a columnist at The Weirs Times and can be reached by email at brensmith@metrocast.net

Safety Statement

A co-worker showed this to me, something that a supervisor wrote at his/her previous place of employment - a safety statement that was required to be updated every year. Obviously the supervisor had finally reached his limit and felt the need to vent. This is the result:

Every day some do-gooder is trying to save us from ourselves. We have so damn many laws and safety commissions to ensure our safety that it seems nearly impossible to have an accident. The problem is that we need accidents and lots of them.

Danger is Nature's way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents. Since the dead don't reproduce, our species becomes progressively more intelligent (or at least less stupid).

With safety, however well intentioned it may be, we are devolving our species into half-witted mutants. Because idiots, who by all rights should be dead, are spared from their rightful early graves and are free to breed even more imbeciles.

Let's do away with safety and improve our species. Take up smoking, jaywalk, play with blasting caps, stick something small in your ear. Take your choice of dangerous activity and do it with gusto. Future generations will thank you.

Joke Of The Day

LeeAnn over at The Cheese Stands Alone brings us our Joke Of The Day.

Time To Clear Up A Misunderstanding

Now that the candidates have folded up their tents, taking their staffers and rhetoric with them, the amount of hot air being spilled into New Hampshire has been drastically reduced. It's probably why the temperatures have started falling again.

During the final days of campaigning prior to the New Hampshire Primary, the media made a big deal about “the frigid temperatures affecting voter turnout.” It was obvious to any of us living in New England that those making such statements weren't from here, but from places with somewhat more temperate climes. I came to realize the cause of their problem - they had no frame of reference. Then my friend Martha Jane came to the rescue with a timely e-mail that did a pretty good job of explaining the differences in how New Englanders look at outside temperatures compared with everybody else.

NOTE: This conversion chart is also valid in Canada (but only after conversion from Fahrenheit to Celsius).

NEW ENGLAND TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART

60° F: Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in New England sunbathe.

50° F: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. People in New England plant gardens.

40° F: Italian & English cars won't start. People in New England drive with the windows down.

32° F: Distilled water freezes. Maine's Moose Head Lake's water gets thicker.

20° F: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.

15° F: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0° F: All the people in Miami die. New Englanders close the windows.

-10° F: Californians fly away to Mexico. The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.

-25° F: Hollywood disintegrates. People in New England get out their winter coats.

-40° F: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors.

-100° F: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. New Englanders get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs."

-460° F: All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in New England start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

-500° F: Hell freezes over. The Red Sox win the World Series.

The Politics/Comedy Connection

LACONIA, NH - To show how fine a line there is between politics and comedy, Comedy Central's 'The Daily Show', hosted by Jon Stewart, is in New Hampshire for its second straight New Hampshire primary. In this article from the New Hampshire Sunday News (Manchester, NH), we get a peek at how The Daily Show's reporters have gone from being unknown to “command[ing] a respect among media types and politicians alike...”

Witness the lineup for last night’s “town hall” media panel discussion, hosted by Comedy Central at the Center of New Hampshire in Manchester: NBC anchorman Tom Brokaw; Joe Klein, a senior writer for Time magazine and author of “Primary Colors”; former Ambassador Carol Moseley Braun, who recently dropped her Presidential bid — and New Hampshire’s junior senator, John Sununu.

[...]

Sununu said after he got the call from Comedy Central asking if he would participate, he had a long talk with Stewart “and that was all the convincing I needed.”

“He’s got the funniest satire on television right now,” Sununu said. As for the panel, he said, “I think their goal is to actually delve into, in a light-hearted way, some of the questions about the way the media covers politics.”

Not to be outdone, Union Leader/NH Sunday News columnist John Clayton also takes a look at the “coupling of politics and comedy.”

Anyway, what other politician [Bob Dole] — upon spotting Presidents Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford and Richard Nixon standing in a row — would have the temerity to crack, “There they are. See no evil, hear no evil and. . . evil.”

Maybe losing inspires humor.

Consider another failed, two-time Presidential candidate, Adlai Stevenson. While running for office against Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, Stevenson once delivered a moving stump speech that prompted a supporter to assure the Illinois governor he would have “the support of all thinking Americans.”

“Not enough,” Stevenson replied. “I’m going to need a majority.”

And so it goes.

To give a better idea of how deeply entrenched the politics/comedy connection are, the New Hampshire Sunday News ran a picture on page 3 of a sign outside the Hancock, New Hampshire Fire Department that states:

“Just vote for one of 'em, then they will all go away!”

(Crossposted to The Command Post)

Flatlander News

Now that I've gotten my commentary about the weather out of the way, I can focus on the more important things. One thing I failed to do last week was post Brendan Smith's latest contribution, something I will correct right now.

I could blame my oversight on the extremely cold weather last week, in which case it's all the fault of Global Warming, right?

****

www.fatso.ugh

I always get a bit stressed out when the first cold snap or, worse yet, the first big snowfall comes crashing into Central New Hampshire.

My stress has nothing to do with the problems that most of us think of during such times: Winter driving, oil bills, raking the roof, etc. My stress comes from another upsurge in demand for my services, as well as those of my friend Vinnie from the Bronx, as we are inundated with calls to dust off the cover of the old by-laws booklet and once again travel around the state helping newly transplanted Flatlanders with our support group F.A.T.S.O.

For those who don’t know about F.A.T.S.O., it stands for Flatlanders Adjusting To Solitary Oblivion, and it was created to give guidance and solace to those being newly, and cruelly, initiated into the bizarre event known as a New Hampshire winter. Vinnie and I are proud of our accomplishments and in the lives that we’ve helped to change. We’ve tirelessly given of our time to travel from town to town and embrace those who need our help the most.

But, in all honesty, Vinnie and I are both getting a bit tired of the whole thing. Yes, we’ll still be making a few rounds here and there, but for the most part we’re going to take it a little easier this year. And even though we’ll not be as noticeable in our rounds, the message of F.A.T.S.O. will still go out stronger than ever. We’ve embraced technology and have brought our message to the World Wide Web.

Of course, all of the good names were taken with Fatso.com (Approach this one with caution) and Fatso.net (which was already taken and is under construction by somebody.) After much searching we came up with Fatso.ugh. It still has a bit of work to be done on it, but when completed it will be a valuable tool for frantic Flatlanders facing the fear of the frozen.

Some of the things you’ll find on the site are:

There will be a list of important winter survival tips to help the uninitiated. A few examples being: What is the best way to maneuver during winter driving? (Plant both feet up firmly in front of the television with a cup of hot cocoa); What is the proper way to stand when snow shoveling? (Looking out the living room window at the kid you just paid twenty bucks to.); When will I know when it is a good time to take up ice fishing? (When you’re really, really hungry)..and the list goes on, you get the idea (don’t you?)

There will be a complete listing of places where the few F.A.T.S.O. meetings will be held including a fundraiser put on by a few ex-New Yorker friends of mine who will be having their own version of a bake sale except it will be complete with New York Bagels and Potato Salad as well as fresh crumbcake and a few dozen New York Pizzas served on wax paper. (The natives might not care much about this, but there are those, and you know who you are, who will want to be the first in line.)

Vinnie will also have his own section on the website called “Whaddaywannaknow?” where he will answer emailed questions from concerned transplants. By the way, Vinnie is more than capable of researching any answers, he has a PhD (but I believe that means Post Hole Digger last time I checked.)

We are still working on the rest of the site but while you’re there you can link to other great websites. Doing some research I found that there were quite a few other groups out there that were available to help Flatlanders. One group called “Do U Mind Buddy?” (or D.U.M.B...they did take some literary license) gives advice on things a new Flatlander should never say to a native like “Hey, you looking at me or what?” They will also explain certain Native expressions like “So Don’t I” and other lingual acrobatics.

Another group goes by the acronym H.U.M.I.D. Though the name alone might give you warmth on a cold winter night, it actually stands for Humans Unearthing Mildly Interesting Diversions. It’s chock full of odd ideas to help keep you busy during those frantic snowed-in days.

We will also have a F.A.T.S.O. on-line store where you’ll be able to purchase a full line of products including sweatshirts (no T-shirts, why bother you’ll just put the sweatshirt over it in the winter anyway.) There’ll be really big coffee cups and a Fahrenheit to Celsius temperature convertor that will help you chart temperatures in southern states that make them seem a lot colder than they really are, giving you just a tiny bit of peace of mind. There’ll also be roof rakes with the F.A.T.S.O. logo boldly emblazoned on them so when people drive by and try to figure out just what the heck you’re doing, they’ll spy the logo, nod their heads in understanding, then drive on.

So, to all you new Flatlanders experiencing your first winter here in New Hampshire, don’t fret. We know you’ve been looking forward to the F.A.T.S.O. meetings to help you through it...and we still haven’t stopped in our quest to save you. Just log on to www.FATSO.ugh and everything will be alright.

Financial Update: For those of you who shared in my joy over my big Powerball win of TWELVE DOLLARS a few weeks back, I just wanted to let you know that the luck is still running high.

Just the other day I received a settlement check for a class-action lawsuit with a credit card company that I used to do business with (at least that’s what the letter said.) They decided to settle with all of their former customers and yesterday I opened my mail box and jumped for joy. Inside was the settlement check. It was for sixteen cents (I kid you not). Life just doesn’t get much better than this.

****

Brendan Smith is a columnist at The Weirs Times and can be reached by email at brensmith@metrocast.net

New Terrorist Threat

I received this warning via e-mail at work. I can see we may have a real problem here.

****

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, setsquare, sliderule, and calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes this man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ''x'' and ''y'' and refer to themselves as ''unknowns,'' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said: "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and d raw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become
exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vortex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, “Read my ellipse”. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: thought they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

Medical Humor

They always say that laughter is the best medicine, and one doctor has taken that to heart, particularly for his fellow physicians.

Dr. Doug Farrago of Auburn, Maine (a former Weekend Pundit place of residence) started a magazine that parodies medical journals, drug ads, and includes features like “Stupid Pharmaceutical Tricks”, “The X-ray Files”, and “True Stories From Medicine.” The magazine, fittingly titled Placebo Journal, is described as “a Mad Magazine for doctors.” So far the good Doctor Farrago has about 5000 subscribers. He also sells posters that parody drug ads, like these two:

Politically Correct Holiday Wishes

This from MedicMom:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday™, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year [2004], but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion oft he wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

A Business Opportunity

In light of the leftists, Islamofascists, and totally clueless pinheads lamenting Saddam's capture, DeskMerc has come up with an idea to make some cash.

I think he's got a winner here. Sign me up for a franchise.

A New Career Track

What's an out-of-work tyrant to do?





(Link from Rand Simberg)

What Is New Hampshire Character?

One of the many reasons for this blog's existence is to open a window into life in New England, and New Hampshire in particular. It's something both my brother and I have been remiss in doing, focusing a bit more on things external to this place we call home. Consider this a start in making up for that oversight.

I've been asked this question a number of times by people not from here, not from New England – What defines New Hampshire character? I wish I could say it's an easy question to answer, but it isn't. I've pondered the question for quite some time, coming up with a number of things that defined New Hampshire people in part, but still I felt that something was missing.

And then, serendipity....

I caught a rebroadcast of The Exchange, a local program on New Hampshire Public Radio. The topic was “What describes the New Hampshire character?”

I'd been saved.

One thing that I have heard from those who are in a much better position to know is that my home state of New Hampshire is what many people outside of New England picture when they think of New England. In many a movie the taciturn New England Yankee is more a reflection of a taciturn New Hampshire native than someone from Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, or Rhode Island. A Mainer comes a pretty close second, but not quite.

The host of the program, Laura Knoy, listed words she'd heard to describe the New Hampshire character:

“Independent”, “inventive”, “frugal”, “cheap”, “contrary”, “curmudgeonly”, and “community-minded”.

To further explore the definitions of New Hampshire character, Laura had help in the form of three guests: John Clayton – a columnist for the Union Leader, and New Hampshire native; Rebecca Rule - another New Hampshire native and humorist; and Judson Hale – editor-in-chief of Yankee Magazine and The Farmer's Almanac. Between the three of them, they were able to more closely define what constitutes New Hampshire character.

Jud Hale voiced his opinion that New Hampshire is the “most New England” of the six New England states because “it has all of the New England characteristics in spades.”

“Frugality; that Puritan work ethic is there; the New England conscience; New England ingenuity, 'Yankee ingenuity' they call it; tolerance. All those characteristics are, I think, in New Hampshire most of all, the most New England of the states.”

John Clayton added anti-hedonist terms such as taciturn and stoic, while saying that New Hampshire natives imbued with the quality of what he calls 'cussedness'. He goes on to describe cussedness as “showing our stubborn nature while proving a point.” Goodness knows I've seen that more than once and I have to say that he's got it right.

Rebecca Rule was able to further illustrate the nature of cussedness, relating an experience while entertaining folks out in Washington, New Hampshire one evening:

...there was a man sitting in the second row with his arms crossed across his chest and never cracked a smile for an hour and a half. Well, towards the end I wanted to do a little skit and I needed a cane for the skit and he had one.

So I said, “I need a cane. Can I borrow that cane?”

He said, “It's not a cane. It's a stick.”

And I said, “Can I borrow your stick?”

He said, “Ayuh.”

I said, “Now is this a New Hampshire stick?”

He said, “Ayuh.”

I said, “What kind of stick is it?”

He says, “It's a maple suck-ah.”

What does that mean?

[...]

New Hampshire people are tolerant. I think they are cussed...they can be. I think they are precise - It's a stick. And it's a maple suck-ah. It is not a cane.

I think they are handy. And I think there are a huge variety of people in New Hampshire.

Yet all of the above barely touches the surface. Even my own folks, Connecticut Yankees that they are, see the difference between Connecticut and New Hampshire. Of the two, I believe they prefer New Hampshire. It's a good thing since they've moved up here then, isn't it?

One thing that the WP Mom mentioned to me the other day while we were having breakfast at the Paugus Diner is that the folk here in New Hampshire remind her of what people in Connecticut used to be like decades ago. Other than leaving some old friends and some family behind, she has no regrets about relocating to a place that still understands neighborliness. And that's something else that defines the New Hampshire character - Folks are as neighborly as you want 'em to be. If you want to be left alone, they won't force themselves on you. Yet they'll still be the first to offer help when it's needed.

Jud Hale offers a glimpse into the contrariness of the concept:

“Good morning, Missus Spence. And how are you today?”

“T'ain't none of your business. And I wouldn't tell you that much if you wasn't my next door neigh-bah.”

Jud also mentions another bit of New Hampshire contrariness: As far as I know, the Granite State is the only one that still celebrates Memorial Day on May 30th rather than on the Monday closest to the 30th as per the federal holiday.

Frugality is also a trademark of New Hampshire, probably one of the better known traits. A perfect example of such frugality is the communal coffin once used by the town of Hancock, New Hampshire. Often, the poor were taken to the cemetery in the coffin, and then they were removed from it and buried in their shroud. The coffin could then be reused. And when it wasn't being used for burials it was used as a chicken feeder. To quote Jud Hale, “Now that's frugal!”

It would be easy for me to go on and on, but instead I suggest you give a listen to the program itself. (Besides, I'm too darned lazy...this post could go on for another three or four thousand words and I have other things to write about.)

UPDATE: I realized that I forgot one description of a Yankee that might be as valid as some of the others, and particularly when describing New Hampshire Yankees. This is something that a fellow by the name of Fritz Wetherbee once related to a number of those of us fortunate enough to live here.

On this world, a Yankee is someone from the Western Hemisphere, particularly the northern part.

In the northern part of the Western Hemisphere, a Yankee is someone from north of Mexico.

North of Mexico, a Yankee is someone from north of the Mason-Dixon Line.

North of the Mason-Dixon Line, a Yankee is usually someone from New England (not New York, dammit!)

In New England, a Yankee is usually someone from northern New England.

And in northern New England, a Yankee is someone who has pie for breakfast.

****

“Beware of too great a bargain.” - New England proverb

Flatlander News

Normally Brendan Smith's contribution to this blog appear on alternate Thursdays. But due to the Thanksgiving holiday I decided that he wouldn't mind all that much if this week's contribution were delayed one day. Besides, since he's now in the money I doubt it will bother him one bit....

****

I Won Powerball!!

I know that one shouldn’t be too quick to tell the world when they win. A lot of people suggest getting an unlisted phone number, hiring and attorney and basically getting your financial affairs in order before making the announcement to the world. I'm also sure that every Tom, Dick and Harriet will be oozing out of the woodwork trying to sell me on their charity or group and how badly they need me to donate as well as old faces from my past claiming they deserve a cut. But I don’t care....I am throwing caution to the wind and shouting it to the world...I Won Powerball!!

It didn't hit me at first when I checked my numbers against the winning numbers, only because I didn't have the first five numbers...but then my eyes wandered over to the right hand side of the ticket and, sure enough, my Powerball number matched -exactly, I might add - the winning Powerball number. Not only that, I had played the PowerPlay option and so my prize had been multiplied four times.

I took a deep breath, checked the number again, fished out my calculator and soon, to my utter amazement, realized that I had won TWELVE DOLLARS!! (Nine dollars and fifty-seven cents after taxes. I am, like most of you, an honest citizen that reports every single dime I make.)

At first, all sorts of thoughts drifted through my caffeined head. Should I call my family in New York to tell them? What would be the first thing I'd buy? Invest it? Give half to my favorite charity? Should I quit my job?

Too many things went through my head so I put the ticket aside. I made myself a bowl of oatmeal and tried to put it out of my mind for a few minutes.

The first thing that concerned me was what would happen when I brought the ticket down to the convenience store to collect. Would there be news crews there waiting for me to come and collect my prize? Had one of the reporters from the TV station been camping out all night drinking coffee and eating jelly donuts awaiting my arrival. And what about the local papers? Would they splash my name all over the front page and, worse yet, would they spell my name wrong? (That in itself was a good bet!)

When I arrived at the convenience store it seemed like business as usual. No news trucks, no reporters, just the same girl working behind the counter who had sold me the ticket a few days before. I knew she might be impressed. She was from another country and I'm sure that when she ran the ticket through the machine and it announced' "Congratulations, you're a winner" and then she saw TWELVE DOLLARS pop up on the screen, she might look at me in a different light. My friend Vinnie from the Bronx once told me that in some countries twelve dollars could last you a lifetime. Instead she took the ticket, ran it through the machine, listened to the announcement, stapled something onto it and asked; "Do you want to have more ticket for this?"

"Don't I have to fill out some forms or something?" I asked.

"No form," she said, "Just ticket. How many?"

"You don't need my Social Security number?"

"Number? You need number for car wash?"

I told her I'd just take the cash and I left quietly.

I took another quick look left and right as I exited the store. Still no news trucks or reporters waiting. Probably a big fire somewhere or, even more important, one of the Presidential candidates must be shaking hands at a Bean Hole Bean supper somewhere.

I took the twelve dollars home (actually it was two fives and two ones) and placed them on my kitchen table and stared at it for awhile. It had been quite a while since I'd seen so much cash in one place that actually belonged to me (well, that no one else knew about anyway.) It's then when I began to write this column.

I'm still not sure what to do with it yet. I've heard stories of people who have ruined their lives after winning Powerball. I could feel that sense of reckless abandon that might overtake one after such a thing welling up inside me, I was beginning to understand. But I am determined to not let that happen to me, that's why I am announcing it now, loud and clear. I feel it best to get that anonymity off my chest right away. As far as how I'll end up spending my winnings, that’s still left to be seen. I'm just glad that I've won this at this stage in my life when experience and maturity will come in handy.

A six-pack of that new expensive micro-brew seems like a good investment tonight.

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Brendan Smith is a columnist at The Weirs Times and can b