A MODEST PROPOSAL ON CORRECTING

A MODEST PROPOSAL ON CORRECTING THE EFFECTS OF POLLUTION

Okay, I'm in a pissy mood tonght and I haven't been holding up my end of the blog. Fortunately my big brother is both dedicated and prolific- way to go, bro. Still, this has been banging around for a long time and I've been in to the Golden Elixir, so here it is, with tongue only semi-inserted in cheek:


Global warming is probably real. I came to this conclusion some time ago based on my understanding of the rate at which carbon is being deposited in to the atmosphere as a byproduct of the consumption of fossil fuels. I am still unconvinced about the horrific results predicted by the Chicken Little crowd, but I see no harm in an idle consideration of the possible methods to control and reduce general environmental pollution.


First, let us eschew all the conventional thinking on this subject and get to the root cause: what causes pollution? No, not greedy Industrialists, though they do play their part. Consumer–driven capitalism? BZZZZT, wrong again. We want to concentrate on causes, not symptoms. Over-reliance on fossil fuels? No, no, no, no, no…


The problem is people.


There are already too many people in the world and more are arriving every day. I admit this is nowhere near an original idea, but I think there are unexplored avenues here, roads down which the squeamish fear to tread. It is past time for us to gird our loins and take the first step. Don’t be shy.


Why is population the problem? People consume. In order to consume, people must produce. In order to produce, people must expend energy. Energy is not freely available, but must be extracted from energy-rich resources and converted to usable form. Everything that is considered pollution, from CFC’s to litter on the streets to radioactive waste has its foundation in the expenditure of energy to produce some commodity consumed by human beings. There are absolutely no exceptions to this cycle.


In an effort to reduce the effects of this cycle various schemes are put forth seeking to improve efficiency, recycle resources, and reduce consumption on a per capita basis of less renewable resources. These are all very good ideas and are worth pursuing, but they are also doomed to eventual failure. If the world was to reduce per-capita energy consumption by say 35% (and that’s an awfully big number), we would buy at most one generation of benefit. As population continues its unchecked growth those savings are quickly eroded away. Just a 50% increase in population reduces the net benefit to only 3%. Doubling the population results in a net loss of 30%. Keep in mind that we started with an unrealistically high number at the outset and the conclusion has to be that recycling and efficiency improvements can only be one part of an over-all plan.


Another way to mitigate the damage would be to force those of us fortunate enough to live in the developed world to accept a lower standard of living. This is actually being attempted in a very back door way by environmentalists in the US and Europe who seem determined to force us all back in to the caves while they drive around in their SUV’s ensuring the environmental-ideological purity of those they deem fit to survive. Various plans are put forth to limit the population’s access to convenience foods (too much packaging and energy expended), disposable products such as diapers, razors, lighters and the like, all in the name of saving Mother Earth. There is on going resistance to new power plants of any type (even when they are planned to replace less efficient, dirtier facilities) in the hopes that reduced availability will force people to consume less. Again, this is a process that is doomed to failure because the average Joe will only put up with it until it becomes irritating, then it is gone in the next referendum.


"But wait!" comes the cry, "The consequences of failure to act are so terrible!"


Really? Let’s examine the consequences in a worst case scenario. The Earth continues to warm and resources dwindle. Farmland goes arid, sea levels rise while fish stocks are depleted, and skin cancer rates skyrocket as the ozone layer thins. Within a century or even less large swaths of the world’s human population begin to die off. Since the damage the population has done is long-term this die-off does nothing to alleviate the problems and eventually humanity (and most living things on the planet) sinks in to extinction.


In this terrible denouement there lies the seed of an idea. Mother Nature is an unforgiving bitch and she deals with rampant over-population the same way every single time. She is showing us the way, only in this case our technology and determination not to yield to the inevitable stays Nature’s hand until it is too late to do any good. So, let’s give Mother Nature a little assist: I propose that we institute a program to systematically eliminate two-thirds of the world’s population.


Naturally, there would opposition to such a plan, so we as a nation would have to force the rest of the world to go along with it. Fortunately (for our purposes), the resulting war would probably serve to eliminate at least one-sixth of the offending individuals (an entire third if we decide to ignore our silly reluctance to use all those nifty Neutron Weapons we developed to counter those immense Soviet Tank Armies). Of course we would have no incentive to take prisoners, either. After that we could swiftly do away with the worldwide prison population and the political leadership of all the conquered nations.


With those goals accomplished we come to the hard part: eliminating one-half of the remaining population. Fortunately the world is chock full of crazies who could be bent to the task of randomly killing every other person they meet. A nice implanted time-release poison could be used to limit their scope (and add to the body count). Within a couple of years we should have attained our goal. And don’t concern yourself with all those corpses. We will ban all conventional burial practices, and then I’ll introduce you to my innovative Top Soil Reclamation Project. We Need Fertilizer!


When it is all said and done we should have a quieter, cleaner world. Everyone should have a decent home (what with all that vacant property going begging) and our worldwide energy consumption should have declined by 60% or more. There should also be a booming business in psychotherapy as the population tries to come to grips with the horror of the past decade or so, not to mention all the work to be done in dismantling and recycling all those now deserted houses, apartment buildings and other surplus infrastructure


Ah, full employment! And the imposition of the Licensed Childbirth Program should keep the problem from ever arising again. But remember: It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature…


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"May the bridges I burn light my way..." -Norm Goyette